Arena XXX

Lee, you have recently blogged on affairs. I think I want to address relationships today, from the other side of things.
A cyber-friend of mine consulted me the other day about sexual problems with his wife. They have a young child and since the child was born, he feels that passion has left their bedroom. He still loves his wife and she still loves him. They have sex regularly, and she seems happy with it. However, he is at a stage in life where he is curious, craving more sexual stimuli perhaps, and isn’t happy about things.
Well, I told him what my DH did, only three weeks ago, that has added a new spark to our romance and thus to our sex life. It wasn’t by coming up with some new sex position, it wasn’t by giving me wild oral sex, it wasn’t even by getting a sex toy. It was a small gift, however. After ten years of marriage, he surprised me with a dozen red roses and a bottle of perfume. To be fair, he did do that following a talk we had had the night before, where I confessed I felt we needed to put more into our relationship, in terms of quality time. The roses and perfume showed me that he had listened, and that he cared. And that, to me, was beyond hot.
I advised my friend to try the same. To be romantic, not overtly sexual. And he did, he bought his missus flowers, with a nice romantic note. It sparked off something… brought up memories of courtship and romance. They had a lovely weekend together, although still working out things. Actually, if anything, it triggered some important talks. Not easy conversations for either side, but the kind that makes a relationship change, and hopefully grow into something even better.
Being in a long term relationship isn’t easy. It can lull and dull romance to a great extent. And children, as wonderful as they are (and they are!), can amplify that effect, taking away from us the very time needed for relationship-lubricants such as a romantic date, or even a talk.
If you are in a long term relationship, or a marriage, and you feel the romance is gone, do not despair. Whether you’re the man or the woman, take things into your hands. Don’t do something overtly sexual, would be my advice, but do something that is obviously and unmistakeably romantic. Cooking a nice meal or doing the house chores for the day is considerate and loving, but it’s NOT romantic. Red roses are. Don’t expect anything in the form of hot passionate sex that very night. On the contrary, make sure your partner knows you do NOT expect it. If it does come, have your fun, but remember, it’s feelings first. Build up on that momentum, slowly and gradually, over days. Most importantly, take the time to actually talk about things, including your sex life. Good communication lies at the base of any relationship, and no long term relationship can succeed without it.